Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize