At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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