Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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