So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
