I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
