honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize