im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
