he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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