The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
