i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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