Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
