I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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