I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
