You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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