moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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