I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
