we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
