I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
