Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It's not a walk of shame if you run
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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