if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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