I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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