Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
