i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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