It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
