Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize