I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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