New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
