I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I want her autograph on my taint
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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