When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
