Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
