when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
