my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam đ
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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