Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
