I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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