note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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