i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
