Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize