We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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