My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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