i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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