Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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