hotel room ftw
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
