Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
