her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
