Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
