Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
