Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
