My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i think i just lost a toe
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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