John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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