my phone needs a breathalizer
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
