you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
