I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
