I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
