Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
