I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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