Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
