I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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