is your mom at the bar?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
