The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
