Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
