woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
