i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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