yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
