I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
