god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize