I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
