Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
