She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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